Lt Ken Ballard- Crawford, TX

My decisions to travel to Crawford, Tx were many and in some ways complex, but as a Gold Star mom, I felt compelled to make this pilgrimage to Camp Casey, where 2 weeks ago the “anti-war mom, Cindy Sheehan stood up to the President”, they said. She wanted to know the noble cause our sons and daughters were dying of in Iraq, and so did I.

When the alarm rang at 4:30 this morning, I was excited and nervous- I just didn’t know what I would find so far away from my safe place in California. I did know that there were many other Gold Star Families in attendance and I wanted to meet each of them. To learn their children’s names, to share their pain but mostly I was sure I would find a fellowship that we have earned and that cannot be explained. If you wear a Gold Star, you just know.

I almost missed the plane out of San Jose, but it was delayed, which meant a tight connection in Denver. Soon, we were landing in Austin where I met a friend from Los Angeles. Neither of us had been to these here parts of Texas, so the adventure began. We asked for directions- we were heading to Crawford, we said. Several young people looked at us quizzically wondering why they should know where Crawford, the Western White House is. Is there hope for Texas? A pocket of blue well, maybe purple, in this oh, so red state.. President Bush doesn’t seem to be the favorite son in Austin- they just weren’t that into him. Crawford is not even on the map that was provided to us. We were sure we could find it.

We arrived in Crawford, a very small town off the interstate. I can see why President Bush finds this to be a safe place for him. Away from Washington and the matters that should absorb a world leader, he could truly find peace here in this part of Texas. Heading into town we see signs on front lawns saying “We support President Bush” And “We support the troops” as if that was an exclusive club.

We found the Crawford Peace House buzzing with activity. A small older house, just big enough to handle peace activities on a lazy day and now the headquarters of a nationwide phenomenom that could have overwhelmed them Everyone took it all in stride and kept busy doing what had be done. Tents were pitched inside the property line, just off the road. Rocks formed a labyrinth on the side yard. Each rock carefully placed. I assume it is a place for meditation but there was just too much energy for peaceful contemplation today. Shuttles for Camp Casey I and Camp Casey II bustled in an out, dropping off, picking up.

I soon found Dante, my friend, and brother to Sherwood Baker who was killed providing security to a team searching for WMD’s. He was killed in April 2004, long after we knew there were none. Dante took us on the scenic tour several miles along the county roads heading towards both Camps. Camp Casey I is the original site where Cindy was first located. It has been referred to as a ditch. By now the ditch, or side of the road is decorated with colorful tents, canopies and other makeshift shelters. Several hundred white crosses lined the 2 lane road leading up to the camp. It reminded me of Arlington West, in Santa Barbara, CA. Each cross has a name of a soldier killed in Iraq and each cross was adorned with a single red rose, I‘ve been told Ken’s cross is there, but we had a schedule to keep at Camp Casey II. I’ll stop and sit awhile with Ken’s cross tomorrow or the next day. It is always hard to see Ken’s name somewhere it shouldn’t be- a cross, a gravestone or a headline. He’s supposed to be alive!

Already feeling a bit overwhelmed, we pulled up to a huge tent that made me think of a mini Shoreline amphitheater (located in Mountain View, CA, my home). The white tent was majestic along this county road that is rarely disturbed in normal times. 200 more white crosses were aligned properly right in front of the tent. Just before you turn in to Camp Casey II, or the stadium as they call it, is the dirt road heading to Bush’s ranch. There are road barriers, more fitting in a big city; large red signs stating that 100% ID was required. They seemed so out of place.

I was immediately introduced to some new friends (that’s what I call Gold Star family members), and I had a reunion with others who I already knew. The names were too familiar; I know so many of them by now. We kept busy posting pictures of our children, our nephews and just absorbing everything that was happening with such efficient energy. There were many hugs, sad stories and tears, just as I expected.

I was trying to absorb it all and without sounding to new-agey, it felt as if my molecules were being rearranged. There was something happening here and I was glad to be a part of it. Some kind of harmonic convergence had come to this ranch in Crawford TX.

A catered dinner was provided to the hundreds of people in attendance. The hot food was hot and the cold food cold, this is not the camp we knew as youngsters!

There is to be a concert tonite-songs by King Flip. & Steve Brooks. Liz Carpenter, the first woman press secretary to a president, Johnson, for her, who is 85 years old spoke as well. She is what I would call a gentle lady, who also feels betrayed by our government,. She was followed by an award winning slam poet who was on target with sharp humor. Joan Baez will play and there was a lot of excitement about her appearance. Some of the Gold Star Moms I met had been introduced to her already. I wanted to meet her; after all, we are practically neighbors. She lives in Woodside and I in Mountain View. She came all the way to Crawford, TX as I had, to participate in this event and to be with like-minded people. She had purchased her ticket even before she was invited! She looks great, of course and sounded better! All of us Gold Star Moms and a couple of dads were sitting in the front row so we could see her up close. She sang songs familiar to me from my school years and she sang songs news to me. She sang “Where Have all the Flowers Gone” near the end and it was more than any of us could handle. The Gold Star families, who understood the meaning of that song much more than anyone there, wept and held hands. Listen Here There was the fellowship I came to find. When Ms Baez left the stage I asked to be introduced to my neighbor. Ms Baez gives excellent hugs and was very kind and empathetic.

At dusk, a former Marine, Jeff was his first name, went to the front of the crosses and played TAPS. This is the hardest song to hear for most Gold Star Families. It is played towards the end of a military funeral and it always brings us back to that awful day that we buried our loved ones. The Gold Star Families held hands and sang America, the Beautiful and a few other songs.

There’s a full moon over Camp Casey tonite, the same as the night Ken was killed, nearly 15 months ago. I am always comforted seeing a full moon. When Ken was in Iraq I used to look at it knowing he saw the same moon. There was so little that we could physically share during those 384 days. I guess I feel like he was sharing that same moon with me tonite.

At the hotel, Gold Star Moms Michelle, Lynn (mothers to David & Travis) and I solved a few of the world’s problems. I don’t think you could call it a slumber party, but when “girls” get together, we had lots to say. And talking about our boys was first priority!

I know I made the right decision to travel to Texas. I have already found the fellowship I knew I would find. I will be here four more days. Some of my new friends are returning to their homes and I know new ones will replace them.
Will the President meet with Cindy or with those of us, who have not met with him? Will we leave Texas knowing what the noble cause our children are dying for? I don’t know that now, but I do know that when I speak, many people are standing with me expecting the truth that this country deserves.

Day 2 in Crawford, Texas, Camp Casey, began at a more reasonable hour, although my California body *knew* it was 5:30 a.m, rather than the 7:30 that my alarm clock said.

My Gold Star friends Michelle and Lynn, and my Blue Star friends, Mimi & Adele headed over to the Camp Casey I, the original site. I drove by it on Day 1 but didn’t have the opportunity to stop You see the long row of white crosses long before you get to the actual site of Camp Casey I. I found Ken’s cross pretty quickly; Gold Star Families for Peace had gathered our crosses together soon after the camp was set up. I left a photo there so visitors can see Ken’s smiling face; so they’ll know just a little more about one of our brave men who are being killed.

Have I told you &*#$ hot it is here in central Texas? I heard it was 112 today; they told us it would be the hottest day of the week. The forecast for Tuesday says it will be only 99 degrees. The humidity hasn’t been so bad; it’s just danged HOT! Here’s the girly part, we figured out early on that we shouldn’t even bother with makeup. If the heat doesn’t melt the makeup, the tears will finish the job. The tears come easily here at the camps. We tell our stories and talk about our children often- that’s why we are here, after all.

When we arrived at Camp II, we learned that Joan Baez had stayed the night. She told the organizers if we had a reason for her to stay, she would stay one more day. It was Joan and the moms, just sitting around and talking. Photographers are ever present and they seemed particularly interested in this group of women. Joan was gracious with her time as well as the people who requested her autograph. Ok, I’ll admit it; I had her sign one of the photos of Ken.

Joan stayed and spoke and played more music to the group at Camp Casey II. She spoke of her roots as a peace activist using her fame to keep the message going. She is a fascinating woman. Joan will complete her talk to us this evening, so I am looking forward to hearing her again. A radio station in Oregon, KOSW, has the recording of her singing “Were have all the Flowers Gone”, the first night she was in Crawford. It will forever be one of the most memorable moments of my life. Listen here

I had to leave the camps mid afternoon for a speaking engagement at SMU in Dallas. I was on a panel with Scott Ridder, the weapons inspector, Jeff Key, an Iraq Veteran against the War, and Genvieve, a slam poet. It was a wonderful mix of opinions and emotions. The audience was engaged in our talks and had great questions afterwards. Trivia point- Scott Ritter graduated from the same high school that I attended in Germany- K-town rocks! p.s. I had Scott sign the same photo of Ken that Joan signed. It will be a special memento of this trip to Crawford. ;-)

The night ended very late. Although I said I wouldn’t tell- we got soooo lost! I don’t understand the TX highway version of the dewey decimal system. The highways and access roads (frontage roads to us Californians) are frequently not marked or marked after the exit. I am glad I am not driving!

Day 3 started early with a 7 a.m. wakeup call. I had to be prepared for the first of many interviews today. First it was Air America, I think out of New York. Then a station in OR. I interviewed with the Waco tribune-Herald. He called it Hurricane Cindy! ;-) He says the locals are really ok with all the excitement. I spoke with the LA Times, who is traveling with Bush in Idaho. I responded to Bush’s announcement today that he will NOT visit Cindy, blah, blah… "I think those who advocate immediate withdrawal from not only Iraq but the Middle East are advocating a policy that would weaken the United States," Bush said. He will also be visiting with some Idaho National Guard families who have lost a family member. My comment to the Times was that I found it interesting that Bush could meet with the some hand picked families in Idaho, but he couldn’t walk out to his back fence and speak to ANY of the over 30 Gold Star Family members who have gone through Camp Casey.

Bush has only met with 13% of soldiers families who have been killed (in Iraq and Afghanistan) Let’s check the facts. The US is pretty well divided; at best that means only 7% of ALL the family members who have had family members die and who have met with the president actually AGREE with the President’s policies. That reads pretty puny in my book!

The big news out of Camp Casey today was that Cindy will be returning to Crawford Wednesday afternoon. That’s all I know for now about that.

Just as I was leaving the hotel to head over to camp this morning, I received a phone call from our local ABC affiliate in San Francisco. Mark Matthews, the reporter said they were in Waco and would like to meet up with me today. I asked him if he did anything wrong to deserve to be in Waco. He had actually attended school in Austin, just down the highway a piece. We decided to meet at the Crawford Peace House. I mean, gimme a break, there just isn’t that much to see in Crawford, and I am not being mean, but I think they like it that way. If there is a downtown, it would include the Peace House. At the Peace House I was presented with a Peace flag (very cool, btw) . It was made by a vet in New York and given to a lady who traveled to TX to give to a Gold Star mom. Thanks guys!

KGO ended up spending about 3 hours total with me- we toured both Camps, the original one where Cindy camped in a ditch (it’s not really what *I* .would call a ditch, but when in Texas, do as the Texans do). They spent a fair amount of time at Camp II including an interview with Joan Baez.

Phone reception is bad at the camps. It is not very amusing to watch people walking around with their phones, looking for a bar, any bar. I am sad to say that my best reception spot for my cell phone is in the ditch in the blazing sun. And if reception isn’t the problem, drained batteries are another. People have taken to bringing their chargers, so we have these little phone charger farms located in various places around the camp, on the stage, on tables, and under tables. Ok, I find that amusing…maybe you don’t! ;-)

We’ve got wi-fi at the camp, I don’t know why they didn’t install a cell tower while they were at it.

Last night my Gold Star mom friends, Michelle & Lynn left to return home, I was the sole Gold Star Mom in all 3 encampments.

The afternoon was spent preparing for the planned peace candlelight vigil later this evening.. There are 200 white crosses located in a grid, just like a cemetery, right in front of the street in front of the camp. Earlier, we added the names of some of family members from Gold Star Families for Peace. At dusk many of us Gold/Blue star family members were introduced on the stage. We all introduced ourselves and were followed with words from a female chaplain who had traveled from Austin. The plan was to walk off the stage, pick up a long stem rose and a candle and walk out to the crosses. When everyone was in place for this solemn vigil, my friend Jeff (my new “son) the Marine played TAPS on his bugle as he did on Sunday evening. As soon as he finished, Joan Baez who was standing near him started singing Amazing Grace. I am getting chills as I write this, it was so profound! Picture a clear starry night, with only the glow of candles being held by the participants and the glow of luminaries placed next to a few of the crosses. Hearing TAPS tonite was much more emotional for me, maybe because I was the only Gold Star family member there or maybe because I was standing in front of the cross named for Ken, I was a wreck, sobbing. I knelt down and place the rose in front of Ken’s cross and just cried and cried. I remember thinking, once again- how can one person cry so many tears for so many months? I just miss Ken so much and this brings it home that he’s never coming back. The chaplain stood near me and when I got ready to stand, there was a medic standing by, too. I don’t know if that was just a coincidence, but I was truly surrounded by love and caring.

The program continued with more singing and good conversations with lots of talented artists. Many people came up to me and gave me hugs before they left for the evening.

I have been so wired when I get back to the hotel in the evening that I am wide awake. My body has no intention of sleeping, although I am exhausted. In all good ways, of course. I hear this is typical here in Crawford, TX.

My wake up call began at 7 for Air America, then at 8 for KSOW in Oregon, KNYC was next at 8:40; they are NPR out of New York. I had to leave the hotel quickly to get out to Camp 2 in order to make a CNN TV interview that ended up tossing me because they couldn’t figure out that they didn’t have a satellite truck out at the camp. I did an interview for a radio station in LA, the Brad Blog; they were streaming the show on the internet. Shortly after my interview with Air America aired, I received an email from a Dali Lamai nun who was listening to the NYC radio station on the internet, and she was listening from India!

I was asked to be part of the group who would meet Cindy at the airport. WACO Airport is not much bigger than a double wide garage, so there was definitely nowhere to hide! Cindy, another Gold Star Mom, Susan and her daughter-in-law, Melanie arrived with Cindy and was accompanied by sweet baby James, who is 8 months old . It had to be overwhelming at the airport- x2 as many press as people. I took the lead and gave Cindy a big old hug so I could whisper into her ear who was going to get her away from the media once a few questions were answered. I did the same for Melanie and her M-I-L.. They didn’t know what was going on, but they were good troopers, when I grabbed a purse, someone else grabbed baby James…What a cutie and he was in such good spirits! They read a statement and off we went back to Camp. We stopped at Camp Casey I so Cindy could leave flowers at Casey’s cross. All of the people staying at this camp came out to greet Cindy. The camp at the protesters protesting us across the street from us has grown with people and infrastructure.(when we passed by it at midnite, they had erected Bush posters lining the street just like the crosses are arranged,.) ewww! The marketing of Cindy is definitely an interesting process to watch,

We arrived at Camp II just in time to eat dinner But first! I got to know sweet baby James, Melanie's baby. What a cutie he is. He was 4 weeks old when his father, John House was killed.

When we returned to camp, I was interviewed by Good Morning America, ABC out of San Francisco (KGO) German TV, NBC from the network and a few others. There is really interest in this story, even internationally.

The evening was filled with meetings for me, planning and coordinating. This is not the end and George Bush should know that he hasn’t heard the last from us! I’m sure he wishes he had planned this vacation for anywhere but Crawford, TX, but while he has been on vacation, more than 31 US soldiers have been killed.

I will be sad to leave on Thursday to go back to the Bay Area and I will be returning to Texas again on Monday. for the final days.

My last day in Crawford, for this visit, began at 6:30 a.m. with a radio interview on the Bill Press Show and later at 7:10 for Air America, and 8:10 for KSOW in Oregon.

I had met up with some great folks from Colorado, Tony & Kimberly who agreed to drive me from the hotel. We headed off to Camp Casey II, and we had to drive by Camp Casey I. The Pro Bush/ Pro War people have grown their site, I believe, in preparation for the large crowds of both sides expected to arrive for the weekend. The first evidence of this expansion was the increased number of canopies/tents and a portapotty. Previous to this time, we had let anyone use our facilities (so don’t let anyone say that we were anything but downright friendly) Until Wednesday, I hadn’t ever seen more than a handful of people, and at sometimes only 1 person holding vigil at their site. It seems like the more vociferous, rowdy people are already in attendance across the street from our Camp I. They have also added a lot of signage. Beginning exactly where the white crosses start across the street, they have placed Pro Bush signs, the campaign kind, very slick, very business like and very much a contrast to the crosses, which just seem to fit standing proudly, representing the sad human cost of this war. I will miss being in Crawford this weekend. If they think we are looking to engage the Pro Bus/ Pro War crowd, they won’t find that from anyone who I met.

I do want to remember some of the people who traveled to Crawford. As people sadly headed home, there were plenty who came to fill their places. I would say about 50 or more new people arrived every day. I would ask people where they were from and why they came. One petite woman, who I recall was from Texas said she *had* to be there, although she had no one in her family in the military. She pulled up her shirt to show me the rubber gloves that were tucked into her jeans pocket. She told me she brought her rubber gloves in case she was assigned to scrub toilets; she just * had* to come and she would do anything to help the camp run smoothly. A family traveled from Ithaca, NY. They had 3 children including a 6 week old baby, but they *had* to come, too. One person was very sad to leave. He got all the way to the airport in Dallas- 2+ hours away, was standing in line to turn in his rental car heading back to Los Angeles. He was overcome with sadness at the thought of not being in Crawford and got into his car and headed back. It really is hard to explain the pull to Crawford, but it is there.

A press conference was scheduled at 10:30. The Blue Star Moms/ Wives would speak to the press followed by the Gold Star Moms/ Wife. Basically, the message was, I am so and so from this place, I believe as Cindy does and want to know what the noble cause is, etc…. The Gold Stars were allowed more time to speak, and this was the first official time that Cindy spoke to the press since she had returned to TX. Marq Anderson from AFSC in Philadelphia flew in on Wednesday to bring Casey’s actual boots and 50 other pair of boots to represent the loved ones of members of Gold Star Families for Peace. Marq is a good friend from when the exhibit Eyes Wide Open was in SF and Sacramento. I also flew out to Philadelphia for 4^th of July to participate in the exhibit there as well. Marq presented Casey’s, Ken’s and John’s boots to Cindy, me, and Melanie & Susan House. We walked over to the crosses with our son’s names and placed the boots beside them. It was very emotional. The press took photos and video. Many of my new friends were very nearby for support. I gotta tell you; these peace people know how to give real, “I mean it” kind of hugs! As emotional as it is to be in Crawford, there is always a soft place to fall. I will be eternally grateful for that.

There was a little incident among the crosses. We had internally discussed that no one should walk among the crosses, which was a change from when we allowed people to wander freely. I don’t think we communicated that adequately to the press. A cameraman was trying to get *the* picture and was standing among the crosses. Heated words were exchanged and it almost got physical- from what I could see as I knelt in front of Ken’s cross. It was a distraction with maybe some bruised egos, but don’t think it was much more than that.

I had to leave the camp immediately after the press conference. A nice volunteer by the name of Rik agreed to drive me to Austin, a journey of about 2 hours. His community in mid state New York had pooled together some money to pay for a rental car to be used down here for shuttling people around. Since it was a sedan, I think he pretty much drove around the VIP’s, including Gold Star families.

As we left Crawford, the home of the Crawford High School Pirates, I knew I would return shortly. It will be hard to leave next Wednesday for the final time.

I had left a piece of my heart in Crawford last Thursday when I headed back to California, so I was looking forward to getting back. The flight from San Jose was uneventful. We like uneventful when it comes to flying on an airplane. It means no one; including the TSA did anything stupid. Today was not like a flight I took earlier this summer from Orlando, FL. As we walked down the jetway ready to enter the plane a young man in his early 30’s started shouting ‘BUSH IS A MURDERER, BLAIR IS A MURDERER” He continued his ranting. People wanted him to stop talking; they just wanted an uneventful flight. Although this angry young man did not say much more, you might say that he became a person of interest to the authorities and was removed from the flight. Yep, uneventful- that’s how that flight turned out too, but I digress….

I landed in Waco mid afternoon and was met by Rik, the VIP shuttle driver. (moi?? A VIP?) He had driven me to the Austin Airport and agreed to pick me up when I returned. There is something nice being met at an airport by someone you actually know. I guess there was a lot of excitement over the weekend. Even if you only counted the celebrities, the weekend rated pretty high. Martin Sheen, Al Sharpton, Dennis Banks, and then Joan Baez stayed through the weekend. Rik, the driver was one of many shuttle drivers who helped delivery 14,000, yes Fourteen THOUSAND roses for the church service and vigil on Sunday. When we drive up to the first camp, I noticed that each cross had a single rose placed next to it, the same was true at Camp II.

On Sunday afternoon, 2 volunteers had their wedding at Camp II. When I heard about the wedding last week, I offered to be their flower girl; the whole concept of having a wedding here was based on the idea of what commitment really meant. They will donate the money that would have been spent on their November wedding. I am sorry I missed this event.

I got my first interview request while I was at the Dallas airport, Tuesday morning at 8 a.m., not CA time as my body thinks, not CO time where the host will be, but TX time. Oh who knows? My alarm is pretty smart- it will know when I need to be waking up!

Once I arrived at the Camp, and after several very moving reunions, I was being approached again. A photographer for Newsweek was taking portraits of the Gold Star family members. A documentarian spent a long time with me this afternoon, too.

After dinner (salmon, rice pilaf, beans, vegetable mix, homemade salsa & chips, YUM! Yum!) We were scheduled to attend a candlelight vigil at Camp I. A caravan of cars headed over to the site where we were welcomed by the campers who were staying there. This is the site where the Pro War/Pro Bush people have stationed themselves. Imagine, a fork in the road, no one is allowed in the triangle- that’s where the sheriff’s sits all day.

We had discussed the logistics about asking the Pro War/Pro Bush people to participate; After all the vigil was to honor ALL of our children, not just those who want peace. There was a bit of confusion when someone from our camp had extended the invitation. The dad readily accepted and walked over with his very tall flagpole that had 2 flags on it. One was the American flag and the other flag, “Lest they be forgotten”. Unfortunately, someone from our camp turned him back and he left back across the field to the Pro War/ Pro Bush side... It was surprising for a lot of us, because exclusion just has never been what Camp Casey I & II or the Peace House has been about. I walked over with a couple of guys from our camp, and me being the only Gold Star mom in attendance at that moment. I introduced myself; we apologized for the mix up and he agreed to join us. This event was another memorable occasion that will remain with me for along time. At all times, someone in our camp kept a flashlight shining on the two flags- it was very cool. Also, in the big Texas sky, heat lightening lit up the night... Our Marine, Jeff, played TAPS and the group sang Amazing Grace as we placed our candles near crosses. The visit with the Gold Star Dad represented everything that our group stood for. I was so pleased that there were no incidents.

The president left town as I arrived (isn’t that just like him? ;-) He’s in Phoenix tonite and San Diego tomorrow. He has made it perfectly clear that he doesn’t intend to speak with families who do not share his opinion. That’s ok; he won’t miss us whenever & wherever he speaks. Maybe when he is speaking around the country, he’ll just feel like he is back in Crawford with fond memories of this past 5 weeks. Hey George, we’re keeping an eye on you and when you decide you want to hear another opinion, to talk, to us Gold Star Families, we’ll be available.

This day was worthy of a subtitle. It was so humid today, I told one of the volunteers I didn’t know that your knees could sweat! No worries, we know that the soldiers in Iraq face this kind of heat (110 degrees in Najaf, Iraq today) and they wear 15 pounds of body armor on top of that! The porta potties here at the camps are very clean, but there was no getting away that we are in the middle of nowhere, among nature when I found a cricket guarding the toilet paper! This city girl is outta here!

I hadn’t gotten too far off of Texas time on my return visit so my wake up call with the radio interview for a station in Boulder, CO didn’t feel that early, Jay is a good guy and I am looking forward to meeting him when I travel to CO in October.

I don’t think I can properly convey how well prepared and delicious the food is at the camp. The fruits donated by local farmers and the meals cooked in our kitchen always satisfied this crowd and not because we would eat anything, although that might have been the case! We had 2 versions of scrambled eggs this morning, one with salmon leftover from last night’s bounty toast, fried potatoes, and always iced tea and cold water. I even tasted a popular southern drink, “sweet tea”, Ken’s drink of choice. It earns its name easily, so sweet!

As the camp breaks down, things are slowly getting packed up. Because every component was so critical to the operation and emotions every day, ceremonies were scheduled for removal of many things. We had a press conference mid morning to announce details of the 3 busses leaving on Wednesday to travel across the country for a final destination of Washington DC for the anti-war rally on September 24.

Our favorite bugler, Jeff played a bluesy tune before we started the solemn removal of the 50 combat boots sitting by the crosses named with Gold Star Families loved ones. All eyes were on the 5 GSFP members who sat/kneeled in front of the cross of their loved ones. We each wondered why we put ourselves through these kinds of emotions, but we all agreed later that as hard as it was, we *had* to. I kneeled in front of Ken’s cross, looking at the photos of his smiling face, thinking for the millionth time that his name just didn’t belong on this cross; it belonged on a postcard from his world travels that he always enjoyed. It makes me so unbearably sad. The Veterans for Peace and Iraqi Veterans Against the war were to remove all of the boots, with our kids’ boots being removed last. Jeff, my favorite Marine approached me, neither of us wanted to touch Ken‘s boots, I didn’t want to let go of Ken one more time, and that’s what it felt like….again. Jeff looked at me and we both started crying. He leaned down and gave me a hug, a real long meaningful hug; after all, how many of his fellow marines had left this earth from the sands of Iraq, too? I looked up at him and he looked back, he took Ken’s boots from me and walked away to place them with the others.

This solemn ceremony continued as the GSFP family members pulled our cross from the ground and brought it to the table. All of these crosses were heading to Washington. They represent so many lost lives, so many empty lives. Most of us stood and watched as the group picked up the rest of the 200 crosses that had stood so proudly in front of the massive tent that was our home for so many days. A few reporters approached us, a German newspaper, Reuters. Even as we close down camp, they believe there is a story to be told. I think I know everyone’s stories, I’ve heard them so often. But every time I hear a family member tell their story again, I hear something new. David was a National Guardsman from Oregon. He was 2 weeks shy of leaving Iraq for his 2 week leave. He was to meet his fiancé in Rome to be married in that romantic city. David never made it to Rome.

The land where the crosses had stood seemed to be sacred ground. No one walked on that part of the camp until late in the night.

I felt a meltdown coming after that ceremony. The Texas heat and humidity (I have told you how hot it was, haven’t I?) was bad and didn’t help cool down my emotions. I think air conditioning is required by law in this state, or it should be. I sat by myself for a bit and was soon surrounded by these friends who had made the trip to Crawford just as I had, looking for this bond, this fellowship. No one questioned my emotions, they just knew and they sat with me, to give me a soft place to fall, just in case.

My dinner companion tonite was Fred Mattlage, of the Crawford Mattlage’s. Who, you say? It was Fred’s cousin who had unceremoniously fired that warning shot over at the original Camp Casey about 10 days back. The cousin said dove hunting season was coming up, but we knew differently, he wasn’t the kind of neighborly neighbor that one might expect in this small southern town. Fred had traveled to Camp II tonite to check on his famous tenants. He was introduced as the man who made Camp Casey II happen. He had donated the land, when his cousin became downright unfriendly to us squatters on the land adjacent to his. Fred is a very unassuming man. He is our hero, giving us a place to stay. He asked that no TV cameras film his visit and his request was respected We had been told that many of the townsfolk of Crawford referred to us as “scum of the earth”, but Fred was not of that mindset. Since he lived over in Waco and I had heard that his cousin was more distant than kissing, I asked when he had heard about Camp Casey. He didn’t even know that Camp Casey had arrived until his cousin fired that shot. For so many reasons, he felt that we should have a place to *be*. He is a veteran from the Viet Nam era, and I think he understood more than many in these parts what we needed the world to hear from us. Fred Mattlage is a good man. He was interested in hearing all about Ken and wondered how he would handle losing a child. And you know I always like to talk about my boy!

We couldn’t close down Camp without recognizing those who supported this whole effort. Cindy and Ann Wright, who has been our fearless leader, our den mother, and the glue that kept the camp together led these festivities. A rose, a certificate and a hug accompanied the recognition. I don’t know that anyone left the camp tonite without a rose. This camp truly could not have been without every single visitor that passed through the tents.

We returned to the air conditioned hotel to get some well earned rest. I had asked one of my new friends, Rafael, a soldier from Ft Carson, CO to take a look at my computer. He gladly agreed. Once he got connectivity, the rest of the computer glitches remained as he told tales from Iraq and Army life in general. What I heard from Rafael was pretty much what I expected and what I think Ken might have told me. We hear so many conflicting stories from Iraq vs what we hear from the Pentagon and the administration. It was no surprise to hear that that is really how it is. Rafael is the same age as Ken and similar in energy levels and sense of humor. He cracked me up with the stories of his adventures. This was very well time spent.

It’s been a long day and there is so much on my mind. Tomorrow we leave Camp Casey and see what impact we actually had on the world. It will be hard to leave all these wonderful people. We laughed when we said it would be hard to not expect a hug from the stranger standing next to us when we were home. Hugs were so freely given and taken here. I know that when I gave one, I got one, too. BONUS!

I think there is a law in California that doesn’t allow bugs into our borders. .I’m not sure what was biting today, and not to be *too* personal, but how is it possible I have bug bites on my butt? Put those minds to rest, I was fully clothed all day! ;-)

Our busses that would carry us across the country and into Washington DC arrived, so we could see what our accommodations will be for the next 3 weeks. Don’t tell anyone, they aren’t busses, they are pretty cushy RV’s.. I leave for home tomorrow, then off to Madison, WI early Sunday morning. I’ll be on the North bus for several days until I return back to CA again.

November 2005- The postscript to the trip to Crawford and DC is that I am no longer affiliated with Gold Star Families for Peace. There are many ways to speak out against this war. There are as many stories as there are casualties and all of our stories must be heard. I am now safe in the group, Gold Star Families Speak Out, a chapter of Military Families Speak Out.

It is difficult to speak out, but now there is a majority of people in the country who think the President is on the wrong path in Iraq. His polling numbers continue on a downward spiral and the lies of this administration continue as well. I know that I set myself up for criticism when I speak, but Ken's voice was silenced, not mine.

I will tell you that WE have a noble cause. Because we question this war and because we let them know that we are watching. Our noble cause is to end this war one day sooner than might have been. Our noble cause is to bring the troops home and our noble cause WILL save American and Iraqi lives.

I know I am not alone when I speak out and I appreciate the support. Please feel free to contact me at kensmomkm@gmail.com